wana laugh?

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Quote from: wagonproject;191889

So each year in my neighborhood there is an X-mas light show off and competition. Me, I don't feel like going through all the holiday stuff with an expensive ass electrical bill to top it off. I have a tree up and shown in the window, I am all about the holiday spirit, but people take it too far. I told my neighbor last week our house would get involved this year and his face lit up. It is like he just had gotten his best X-mas gift ever.

I went outside, put up lights, I even went and got a plastic Santa that lit up. Oh, and those rope lights were crazy cheap last weekend. They are insanely easy to put on a gutter and well anywhere. I was proud of my accomplishments. The judging committee came around and DQ'ed me early and would not be on the final voting ballot. ****ers. Some people just have no sense of humor.

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening.

Unfortunately, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey: "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress."

This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt."

Again, Jervis silently obeyed: "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties."

Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said: "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

Quote from: pektel;192119

Bad news is, I had to take him down after two days.

I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. I think they were pissed off they dropped their donuts, personally.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."