Tools Explained

[timot_one]

Some of you guys may have seen this, but it's always great to share with those that haven't.

DRILL  PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
WIRE  WHEEL:  Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the  speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from  fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh  sh--!'
 
SKILL  SAW:  A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 
PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. 

BELT  SANDER:  An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. 

HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future  becomes. 

VISE-GRIPS:  Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

OXYACETYLENE  TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 

TABLE  SAW:  A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

HYDRAULIC  FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 

BAND  SAW:  A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 

TWO-TON  ENGINE HOIST:  A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 

PHILLIPS  SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

STRAIGHT  SCREWDRIVER:  A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 

PRY  BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

HOSE  CUTTER:  A tool used to make hoses too short. 

HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. 

UTILITY  KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 

SON-OF-A-BITCH  TOOL:  (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the  garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. 
 
Hope you found this informative

[gargantula99]

Hehehe. Bored, are we Tim?

[Mike]

That's pretty damn funny.

[ikethegreat]

It's sad how true most of that is.   

[CrackerTeg]

That is probably the funniest shit I've seen in a long time.

[Rich01]

  Funny stuff Tim. I think the grumpy old machinist at my job contributed to this. I can just hear him yelling about the Band Saw.

[NVA-AV6]

What about the M'Fer tool, I have several, these are the objects you throw after you bust a knuck or slice open a body parts while fing up something you are working on........

[timot_one]

What about the M'Fer tool, I have several, these are the objects you throw after you bust a knuck or slice open a body parts while fing up something you are working on........

Paul, please refer to the Son Of A Bitch Tool

SON-OF-A-BITCH  TOOL:  (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the  garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[timot_one]

I was thinking about this thread and wanted to bump it up for some lulz.

[Mike]

I just re read it, and it was as funny as the first time.

[Nit3h4wk C0uP3]

Just saw this, Rob and I had a good laugh! lol

[Moe]

Too funny, because it can't be anymore true.

[NVA-AV6]

You also do not have the BFH listed, I know it is a sub tool of Hammer, but is still worth mentioning for it's obvious use.

[CrackerTeg]

I just re read it, and it was as funny as the first time.

Agreed.

You also do not have the BFH listed, I know it is a sub tool of Hammer, but is still worth mentioning for it's obvious use.

Very true. The BFH is a very useful tool. Not to be confused with the BFS though.

[HEcreated487]

LOL @ OP.

BFS?  I agree to the BFH.  I has one.