EliteCM.net

thought it was funny

LOL.

lmaoOooo

ive definitely spent hours on fmylife.com.  that shit is hilarious

"Today, for my 18th birthday my parents gave me a $5 gift certificate to iTunes.  It came free with the iPhone that they bought my little sister as a middle school graduation present.  FML."

lol

LOL! Hilarious. I wonder what he wanted to TIVO. Either way to choose whatever is on tv over sex makes me question his manhood.



That's fuckin hilarious as well. I'm gonna try to get on that site but I'm sure I'll be blocked.

Makes me question how bad of a lay she must of been that he was thinking about TV.  

Right! Maybe he was TIVO'in some porn! LOL!

obviously it was old TIVO. couse now you can do it from your phone, or is it verizon dvr feature

its direct tv dvr, atleast i can do it from my phone, Im sure other companies have a version too

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "because you can't find a real girl I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, I passed the girl I like a note asking her out, signed Mark H. She picked it up, read it, turned around and asked me, "Do you know who Mark H. is?" FML

Today, my friend was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she'd said 'nana'. FML

I could do this all day, they even have and iphone version...lol

Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML

so gross..
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1lMOHutRK8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1lMOHutRK8)

Wow Mischa. That's an old one you brought out. Still funny though.

Now here's my jab at the Navy. Er-ber-der!

Coast Guard - 1
Navy - 0

Ain't that a bitch!
LMFAO!!!

From FML:
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

lmao

HAHAHAHAHAHA Don that is HILARIOUS!!

yur ass is grass homey ! hahaha

if you want a REAL good laugh go to this website... you'll be on it for like an hour laughing

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com (http://www.textsfromlastnight.com)

these are actual text messages between people... seriously hilarious

another from FML:
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

careful guys haha

hahahah

lol you guys crack me up with your websites :)

I've spent most of my college career on websites like fmylife.com and collegehumor.com and I'm in the top 10% of my class.

http://gizmodo.com/5232756/radio-shack- ... ver-return (http://gizmodo.com/5232756/radio-shack-employee-punches-out-customer-over-return)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements.

Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims. "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance!" Satan replies. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"






True story: My best friend's dad (back home) is the city judge. One day they had a case where a mother (African American woman) wanted to change the name on her daughter's birth certificate, as it had been spelled incorrectly the day she was born. Apparently she was trying to be clever and give her daughter some "African-sounding" name and decided to name her daughter "Shihead". Well let's just say Hooked on Phonics didn't work for her because she spelled it "SHITHEAD"...


(http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t228/pektel/optical-illusion.jpg)[/quote]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc26 ... DrRuth.jpg (http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc260/lovemyes350/Funny%20pics/DrRuth.jpg)

lol misha. good jokes, ive heard of the lawyer and satan one but not the daughters name. damn people come up with some weird names thatll haunt their kids for a good time aha.

i was a freshman in college when collegehumor.com was first launched and it was the lifeblood at my school.

As I recall somebody named their kids Micky and Minnie...now THAT's torture...

**got this text from my sister this morning

CNN just reported that Kermit the Frog died today from swine flu because he finally ate Miss Piggy's pussy. RIP Kermit.

HAHA ^^^ Don that is great

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5gdy-6Y6RY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5gdy-6Y6RY)

My wife isn't talking to me today. Last night we were out for dinner and I ordered a steak done rare. The server asked if I was concerned about mad cow. I replied "No, she can order her own meal".



I don't want to come off as a male chauvinist pig, but..........






Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the last while?

If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3
miles again in the evening.

By the end of the week the fat bitch will be 42 miles away

Life and Business Lessons

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

^^^ HAHAHAHAHAHA Misha, I needed that.

lol misha those were great

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v432/illushunz/l_d4a95438d9f211b8eb393ece2eedfe6d.jpg)

True story... My true story from today.


 I just got sharted on by my sleeping dog. FML

Two sisters , one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch with $600, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph ope rator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
' Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.


After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'


The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'


The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.

lmao that was a funny one

got it from Ashley just now


THE LORD & THE BIKER

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway when suddenly

the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

   

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,

I will grant you one wish.'

   

The biker pulled over and said,

'Build a bridge to

  Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

   

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous

challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach

the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly

things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help

mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

   

   

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand

our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking

when she gives

 me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she

means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a

woman truly happy.'

   

   

   

   

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

lolo, roflmaoooooooooooooo
http://s156.photobucket.com/albums/t12/ ... ntures.flv (http://s156.photobucket.com/albums/t12/rhowitt/?action=view&current=zooadventures.flv)

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening.


Unfortunately, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.


She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey: "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress."


This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt."


Again, Jervis silently obeyed: "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties."


Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said: "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

Japanese Game show of Human Tetris

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bekQU9l8hk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bekQU9l8hk)

Trunk Monkey;

<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bPINO_N_rbY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bPINO_N_rbY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

seen most of them. Piero you should get one, since you already have one on outside so its kinda like warning

Blood-a

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzWeaEiaabQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzWeaEiaabQ)

Na funny!!!!!!!  

LOL

lol Piero, that got me goin again.

no ass kicking here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk-1mla0LeU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk-1mla0LeU)

Oh  truck!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pj2Nutu5v8 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pj2Nutu5v8)

funny road rage. (NWS since it has some cussing)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlzoL-wQ ... r_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlzoL-wQwio&feature=player_embedded)

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”

(Teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh…okay.”

(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

this thread is easily becoming my favorite

(http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t12/rhowitt/ricer.jpg)

The fake guy falling off the ladder one is genius! I'd probably be one of those people that get out of my car and run to help the fake guy, LOL!