EliteCM.net

Perhaps you’ve only just recently acquired your license to drive, or perhaps you’re a grizzled veteran of the salty tarmac, but either way, you’re interested in perfecting the art of driving as a bloodsport. Believe it or not, angering your fellow motorists to the point of inspiring physical violence isn’t a game of chance, but rather a highly scientific, learned skill. To truly master the art of pissing people off, you need the benefit of years of practice behind the wheel of an extremely obnoxious car (I recommend either a tuned Honda CRX or any type of chromed pickup with a lifted suspension), true greatness can’t be achieved overnight. Everyone needs to start somewhere though, so to get you started on your path towards perfection, I’ve outlined below a few tips that will help nurture and extract your hidden inner douchebag.
1. Do Not Use Turn Signals
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Do not under any circumstances ever use your turn signal, period. Turn signals or traffic indicators of any kind are a sign of weakness, and they give your enemy valuable information regarding your battle position.
2. Do Not Yield To Drivers Preparing To Execute A Turn
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If the driver in front of you indicates that he is preparing to execute a turn, do not slow down. Instead, maintain your constant speed (75 mph highway, or 55 mph residential) and seconds before your car makes high-speed impact with his rear bumper, turn your steering wheel to the right or left (depending on which direction the vehicle is turning) by a fraction of an inch, barely avoiding a full-speed collision. Remember: under no circumstances should you ever remove your foot from the accelerator. In most cases, the amount of space you will have between the turning driver and the next physical barrier (be it a parked car or an oncoming lane of traffic) will be very, very limited, and the faster you are traveling the less likely you are to make contact with any stationary objects.
3. Treat Construction Zones As An Obstacle Course
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Construction zones and the many hurdles they throw at drivers make them the perfect place to hone your skills as an asshole, especially since there’s usually a local cop posted nearby who can serve as an excellent official score keeper. Remember: +1 point for every traffic cone you clip, +2 points for every motorist you cut off when merging, +3 points for every rude hand gesture you receive from the city workers you barely avoid hitting, and +4 points for every additional officer summoned by the aforementioned cop to apprehend your vehicle.
4. Speed Limits Are Relative
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It is not important that you observe the posted speed limit
, as long as you observe the speed limit posted by the guy in front you. Yes, that kid barreling down the left hand lane at 90 mph in his Acura RSX is an idiot, but he’s also the guiding light to your wayward ocean liner. As long as you’re travelling slower than Speedy Gonzalez is, when he and you finally blow by that police cruiser, that cop is only going to have the man power to pull over one of you and you can bet he isn’t interested in some stoner driving a beat-up Saab, he’s going for the big game.
5. Behave As Though Out-of-State Tags Grant You Diplomatic Immunity
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You’re from Ohio, venturing onto the New Jersey turnpike for the first time. You’re not sure what exit to take, so you steadily drive 20 mph under the speed limit lest you miss your turn-off. Or perhaps you’re from Georgia, and during your road trip to the shore, you feel it necessary to bestow a little bit of Southern Hospitality on every driver you meet. So in addition to driving at roughly the same speed as the tourist from Ohio, you also make frequent, sudden stops to yield to other motorists – even when you have the right of way.

Although drivers in both cases would be strictly prohibited from operating heavy machinery in their respective home states, their behavior is perfectly acceptable when travelling outside of their state lines. After all, it doesn’t matter how they do it up/down/over here, you’re from Ohio/Georgia/Florida, dammit, and you are the greatest thing on four wheels since Bobby Labonte.
6. There Is No Predetermined “Passing Lane”
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A commonly held myth amongst most motorists is that passing is only permitted/acceptable in the left hand lane. This is simply not true. A “passing lane” is any unobstructed pathway (including grassy medians) through which you can safely navigate your vehicle around slow-moving motorists while only sustaining minor surface damage.
7. Do Not Talk On Your Cell Phone While Driving. Text Instead.
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When other drivers see you yakking on your cell phone, they’ll become immediately enraged by your obvious disregard for traffic safety, but they’ll be absolutely livid if they catch you texting while driving. Texting is especially recommend over calling if your phone happens to be equipped with a full QWERTY keyboard, since not only will your attention be completely diverted from the road in front of you, but you’ll also be using your knees to navigate the steering wheel as both hands will be fully occupied texting your bro about the hottie in the Ford Focus next to you.
8. Always Use Halogen Headlights
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Halogen bulbs emit a blinding blue light that drivers both in front of and behind you will enjoy immeasurably. If you can’t quite afford a HID upgrade for your car, opt for using your high-beams at all times, especially at night in heavily congested traffic. If you drive a pickup truck or SUV, it is strongly recommend that you accompany the use of Halogens and/or high-beams with very close tailgating. Remember: you aren’t truly a jackass unless your headlights cause permanent retina damage.
9. Speed Through Parking Lots
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One secret every driving jerkoff knows is that you can make your best time by laying rubber in the parking lot. Depending on how densely populated the lot is, you should always aim to maintain an average speed of anywhere from 45-65 mph, possibly higher in the event of inclement weather. Not only will this endanger the safety and well being of any pedestrians, if you’re running late for an appointment, you can also shave minutes off your ETT by cutting diagonally across all the empty stalls and ignoring any stop signs.
10. Drive Like A Woman
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A good general rule of thumb to follow that encompasses all the basic elements of horrible driving discussed here today is this: before you make any major decision while driving, first ask yourself, “What would a woman do?” If you’re travelling on a four lane highway in the leftmost lane, don’t merge ahead of time into the right-hand lane to avoid a last minute four-lane death race. Instead, maintain a steady 75mph in your current lane and begin to apply a heavy coat of mascara. Then, about 100 yards before your exit, immediately jerk your wheel as hard as you can to the right, smiling sheepishly and giggling girlishly at all the angered motorists behind you.

Or, if you find yourself in the right-hand lane behind a motorist who happens to be travelling too slow for your taste, before you make the logical decision to pass them, try to picture what a woman would do in your situation. Would she pass on the left? No, she wouldn’t. She would tailgate the innocent driver angrily, straining as hard as she could to see over the steering wheel, glaring purposefully at the “total jerk” in front of her. After maintaining about 6 inches of clearance between her and the car in front her for about 10 miles or so, then, and only then, will she pass the driver on the left, making sure to give him the stink eye as she does so.

Remember: most women are born lacking the inherent ability to drive well, so if your ultimate goal is to piss off as many people on the roadway as you can, it would behoove you to duplicate female driving techniques to the best of your ability.

http://www.ridelust.com/road-rage-101-t ... r-drivers/ (http://www.ridelust.com/road-rage-101-tips-to-piss-off-other-drivers/)

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hahahah i love it cause it was Funny but it really drives me up the walla when people actually do it on the road

Z has seen how I can fuck with people on the road.  I'm always a courteous driver, but don't get on my bad side.  It takes years of practice to fuck with people properly.

Yeah, I have. I've done a few of these things as well. Funny how the "rolling road block" isn't mentioned.

hate that shit. somebody did it to me once couse i accidentaly cut them off

Exactly why it should be mentioned in the OP. I've used it on people before. But it was provoked. Other times it was to fuck with friends.

NYCM (sub-squad) of NECM Squad is known to come together on the highway for payback on dumb ass drivers that cut in front of our line… Ask any of the guys that caravan with us…


"Great read Misha"

Great read, although it should say xenon not halogen under that section...

One thing I will ALWAYS do is if someone behind me honks at the exact moment that the light turns green I will stand there until it turns red again, basically treat them like a child. Since they could not wait the 1 second they will wait 2 minutes.

Haha that's brilliant.

There are one lane bridges all over the island of Kauai (where I'm vacationing right now for the 6th time since I was born) and the local courtesy is to yield to 5-7 cars. Of course there's always some dumb dick in a Mustang convertible (dead giveaway that you're a tourist) who honks, either while there's still oncoming traffic on the bridge, or as soon as the last car's back tires leave the bridge. Fucking people are on vacation in a tropical paradise and still think they own the road!   No wonder all the locals hate us white tourists!

True, we did mess with that Jetta on the way to the MA meet.

what about driving in left lane and as soon as somebody going to pass you, downshift and floor it lol

I do this too mess with asshole tailgaters, its fun, and makes me chuckle

nice list although im occasionally guilty of at least half...

+1 lol can't help it when i'm already doing 10 over the speed limit and someone's decides to ride my ass. I've pulled rolling road blocks on those people a few times too. LOL

its fun to do it for ppl who ride your ass. slow down to about 40-50. then when they about to pass, downshift into 3rd and floor it. i hate when trucks do it. today in morning one of those dump trucks was riding this guys ass and riding i mean 3-4ft max, asshole

there have been just a few times where someone was such an asshole and was riding so close to my ass that i turned the reverse lights on and slammed the brake for an instant to make it look like I had accidentally shifted into reverse, only to simultaneously downshift into 3rd and take off just as they're about to rear end me. i don't recommend it as it takes a lot of practice fucking with people as tim said, but it's great to use on the people who just won't go around and insist on driving so close that all you see is their windshield in your rear view.

also, now that i think back, I am definitely guilty of #6. One time some dick in a Ridgeline towing a 25+ foot boat was riding my ass while doing 5 over the speed limit in the fast lane with a completely open road. I did the trick above to him, and he proceeded to pass me, flip me off, and then try to cut me off, forgetting that he was towing a big ass boat.  Of course instead of slamming my brakes, I just merged into the grass median to avoid colliding with the boat, and then passed him in the grass with him doing at least 80. I didn't stop accelerating until I couldn't see him anymore. I think at that point he was convinced I was insane and it was life threatening to try to fuck with me.

not too hard to wire up your reverse lights to a switch

Never said it was, but fortunately not many average drivers know that.

At a stop light, slowly start creeping forward when the driver next to you is not paying attention so he thinks the light turned green. I swear I have never done that as it is completely fucked up, but I do know people who have.

Very easy way to get rear ended if the person behind you is not paying attention either.

Also a good way to get the 06-07 rear end conversion if thats what yoyur looking to do. :)

one thing me and my friends do if theres a douche bag messing with us is box him in, preferably the douche in the left lane. need about 4-5 cars to use this effectively. its quite funny for a bit, hilarious if you make them miss their exit and take them to the next town lol.

that would be funny. specialy on toll road where next exit is 10 miles away

lol i never thought about going that far misha. that would be hilarious to take them to a toll.